I cannot handle it anymore

Take a deep breathe and go with my heart.

Distance

About 30 feet apart, the invisible distance is infinite.

I was always told, no one can read my mind if I stay slient, yet my slience could be very loud too. So, I am trying to strike a balance; At the same time, I am fighting against expectation and fear.

I thought, if I care about someone, why hesitate. Let him ignore me if he meant to. Or, someone who is good at talking may not be good at expressing. May be he appreciates in silence.

First deal closed

I have proven to people that I can make it.
From zero to something, I could feel the level of adrenaline going up.

The sad thing is I could share this with no one.

Singing in the raining

I am in my yellow rain coat, yellow rain boots, under a black umbrella waiting for the rain to stop. I am sitting on the bench patiently waiting for the rain to stop. It just keeps raining (not pouring). From the day before yesterday, yesterday, til present.

I sing when I feel bored, just occassionally.

Sometimes, I play with the water puddle in front of me alone. Sometimes, I sit back to the bench. Waiting for the rain to stop.

Or until one day, I am released from the forever raining crystal ball and return to the sunny land. At least, there is hope for seeing a rainbow out there.

What is going on in the girl's mind?

I was very conscious whenever he walked near. A little voice in my head saying "be yourself!!!".
I noticed a hand was on my shoulder for a short while. A friendly gesture!? I wondered.
There were times that we were looking at each other with no words.

I don't know how much longer I can / have to wait.

The next thing that I am looking forward to is 14th Dec.

Turkey dinner

I must say, it was an enjoyable evening.

Thanks to the one who organised it.

my blog

i am getting suspicious and curious...

ummm.... someone knows about my blog...
I have heard twice from irrelevant ppl mentioning.. put this and that in your blog...

i want to keep this low profile...

dear blogger, just keep this blog to yourself. this is extremely exclusive.

the Rainbow and Cloud series - about the tunnel accident

So i waited for the reply for 2 days... hanging on the invisible partition in front of D & 5pf.

on the 3rd, i have got an apology for the late reply and tonnes of questions about the accident.
on the 4th, the questioning continued... he was so angry and stood up for me...

Rainbow and Cloud

D said, your silence could be very "loud". I knew subconsciously.

It was fear which stopped me from moving forward. I am afraid to be let down, so I rather certify it myself before anything bad happens.

After hours of talks with 5pf and D, I open my heart and learn to be patient.

Be my guest

They are my long waited guests. Last Friday, I have picked 5pf and D from Kowloon station and kicked off our Hong Kong 6 days 5 nights.

I was the tour guide to the 2 guests (with assistant guide Carmen). Telling all the stories about HK and Macau. Trying hard to figure out to turn left or to turn right., to identify which bus to take going to TST.

5pf has reminded me quite a few important things during the visit. I have digested them all.

Day One :

Sunset drink at Aqua. 29th floor of No. 1 Beijing Road;

Dinner at Pressroom, Hollwood Road

Dessert at Sift, Soho

Drink at Fong, LKF Central

Day Two:

Macau

Day Four:

Lunch at Yung Kee, Central

Walk along midlevel

Tea at Pressroom

Walk down hill, Central

Dinner at home

Desert from Kowloon City

Day Five:

Claypot rice at Causeway Bay

Drink at Felix, Pennisular

A tiny reconnection today.

Jason said, he is just a transitional guy.
Kay said, 26th Feb, you are a loner.

I always said, he is a loner... or in fact, the loner is me!?

Cold War

It seems like both of us are frozen.

I think I have made enough moves, I stop and wait for his turn.
He doesn't move so as to avoid sending wrong signal.

Clock ticks and time passes by. Everyone is busy with their life, including us two. Just that our paves never cross in the past... five days.

Quote on Pain - from Grey's Anatomy

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.~ Meredith

Under the Water

I could only hear my breathing, but nothing else.

Slience...

Take a deep breathe

Tomorrow is a brand new day. I am in good condition to hold my head up and be the best me. Love myself before expecting someone to love me. There are too many variables that are out of my control. So, just take care of those I have a say on.

No one knows how it is gonna turned out to be. Good or bad!? Well, no matter what, I will still treat him as well. As 5pf said, when you love someone, it is not neccessary to possess him.

I felt helpless as I have got to move on and wait for the appearence of the next one.

Giving up...

It is hard to continue. I have done all I can. I guess the problem is with me. Either I am after the wrong person again, or the way I behave was just not right. All these heart sucking feelings are familiar to me.

I have no patience for this long battle. Or, there isn't any battle. It is simply not working.

I had a nightmare last night. I dreamt of me getting married with the nerd whom I hated from university.

呼吸

適心安排了一場獨腳戲。 我要一個人在戲院喊個痛快。

金基德導, 張震演的呼吸。

主動跟被動, 動與靜，愛與被愛。 思念, 等待, 冀盼。我不停地喊, 是發洩, 是情感的投射。看完出來, 感覺輕了一點。

An unplanned encounter

I am a dreamer and I believe in signs...

The co-incident was a sign. At that very second, we were passing each other in the same space. Our eyes met and a subtle exchange of smile.

That very second was so beautiful as it was unplanned and just happened.

Soup sense

Although, I said I am going to stay low key. I made a move today, still.

This evening, with 5pf's encouragement, I bought him some soup from "Soup Sense" at PP. Hope it helped to comfort the sick person a little bit. I think this is what I wanted to do and was glad I did it. Not much conversation between us over the soup, but I guess it was well received.

Just a "thank you, sweetie" worth ten times more the walk to get the soup... (5pf, please roll your eyes as many times as you can)

Remain low key

That's what I told myself before bed last night.

Well, I was not able to stop myself from ask how he is after knowing that he seemed to fall sick again today... remembering how poor thing he was when telling me how sick he was last thursday and friday...

In return, I received a butch of bull shit. Dan said "maybe he doesn't want you to be nice to him?" Ummm... may be that's right.

So, I am going to be quiet... for at least the next five days... I will try... and let's see what will happen.

Reading between the line...

Although I didn't react to the Times Sq bicycle story, I heard him. I appreciate from the bottom of my heart.

May be I am just one of the many. At least, I am one of the many.

Saved by 5pf

I was confused. Deadly confused.

Tasting between sweet and shit... sweet and shit, again... another round sweet and shit... lucky that the day ended with sweet...

Seems flirting, but not flirting... simply confused.

Knew that he seemed like falling sick soon, I passed him some Redoxon Vitamin C and asked him to drink. I am not sure how a guy would feel about that. Well, that's me and I hope it is expressive enough yet subtle... (self contradicting, I know).

5pf, thanks for reviewing what happened the past 2 days and hope you enjoy the roller coaster rides between "like him" and "don't like him"... I promise, I will find the best timing and try to accomplish the mission impossible. Your laughter just help to clear my confusion away...

Today

This entry contains 2 parts.

a.m.
He appeared in front of me unexpectedly.
To me, he looked like a cute rabbit.

p.m.
Met him again. It was just one disappointing encounter. I was bothered and needed to express it here. 5pf, I am now hesitate to even ask him to meet you. My heart is burning hot and beating very fast. I am not angry, just bothered.